The Story I Can Finally Tell

When I was a little girl I dreamed of becoming a veterinarian when I grew up. I loved animals so what better job? Well it turns out you have to be really good in math and science. You also have to be really dedicated for about a decade of your life, maybe more. I was neither of these things. I finally nailed it down to majoring in Psychology, a decision I didn't make until my 3rd year of school, which is why it took me 5 to finish. I chose Psychology b/c I loved it, I understood it, and I was good at it. But I knew I would never go on to get a PhD. I briefly considered Counseling, an LPC, but my mom actually discouraged me from pursuing that b/c of the low pay and job scarcity. So what was I to do with this abstract degree in Psychology? My second semester into the degree track I took an Organizational Development class and Boom! My A-Ha moment! I could work in Human Resources. The idea instantaneously clicked for me. I didn't question it or second guess it. I just knew it was what I would do. Except that it wasn't...

It turns out HR is a tough field to break into if you have 0 experience and 0 connections. Bill and I moved in together 3 weeks after I graduated college. At that time I was working for animal clinic I had been at for the past 5 years and making $10/hour and had no benefits. I needed a new job and fast. After three grueling months of job searching I was offered a job as a receptionist with great pay and benefits at a medium sized company in Dallas. It wasn't exactly what I'd had in mind but I had to start somewhere. That somewhere ended up bringing me 6+ years of more growth and happiness than I dreamed possible. I will forever be grateful to that company, the jobs I held there, the people I worked with and for. But as it happens in Corporate America, nothing lasts forever; all good things come to and end. We were acquired and my job would be obsolete. But alas, what timing! We were in the throes of our infertility battle, had completely self-funded a $20k IVF cycle with a disastrous outcome, and had little hope for trying again, (largely due to the expense). I quickly came to the conclusion I would find a company that offered IVF insurance coverage, no matter what it took.

It turned out it didn't take much. Within just a few weeks I stepped into my new job at Staples, and into the hardest 3 years and 9 months of my working life. First of all, the position was a total step down for me which was a shot to my ego. The pay was only slightly less luckily, but the drive was horrendous at 50 miles each way. I didn't like my boss or really anyone else there. It was an unhealthy, soul-sucking environment, so completely opposite of where I came from. Imagine going from working in Hobbitton to Mordor and that's about what it was like. But it had the best possible outcome and I soon floated back up to Cloud 9 with my pregnancy and Will's birth. Will's first year was such a blur; my working life and career ambitions became all but forgotten. But then suddenly I remembered them. Will became more independent by the day; he was growing and thriving with Kim and Vic every day; we had made it through the worst of the transitions. Suddenly I could, and did, start to think of myself again. I started asking myself, what do I want? What am I doing here? What does my future look like? And the questions that brought me so much pain day in and day out: Why am I so miserable, and what am I going to do about it? 

You see, when I was pregnant I was so happy, so blissfully happy. Will was born, as healthy and beautiful as I ever could've prayed for, but I really wasn't happy after he was born. It's shameful for me to admit. How could I be so ungrateful and crazy to not be madly, insanely happy every single day?! Wasn't being a mom what I had cried and prayed over countless days and nights? Wasn't it what I had sacrificed for? Wasn't it everything I'd ever wanted? I guess the truth is, it wasn't. I wanted to be a mom but I also wanted to be something of that person I was before I was a mom; the person that felt valued and respected at work; the person that realized her hard work turn to fruition; the person that made herself proud in what she was able to learn and accomplish, and in how she felt herself grow and progress. That was who I lost when I went to Staples, and I knew I was never going to get her back as long as I stayed there. But there was a catch...

Another confession: the day of our very first ultrasound of Will, I will never forget that euphoria...but I will also never forget my next immediate feeling - disappointment. There was one baby. There were no frozen embryos, no backups. He was it. One baby. Just one...

I will never ever speak more of this convoluted thought that lurked in the darkness, but just know that it was always there; it was always felt. It is still felt. But there was hope. Staples insurance would cover at least one more IVF cycle. There was hope...

I decided to wait until Will turned two before trying again. I just wasn't physically or mentally ready any earlier. Bill was so excited. He wanted a baby girl so badly. This alone was motivation enough for me. But it was not meant to be. The rate of my progression toward menopause really accelerated postpartum. My body had nothing left to give. Not a single follicle was to be made no matter what our RE tried. After being forced to cancel another cycle, and completely exhausting my prescription insurance coverage, Bill and I sat down with him in his office to talk about "our next steps." I'll never forget that conversation. Dr. Ku, the kindest, smartest, most empathetic doctor I will ever know, shook his head sadly and said, if it's anyone I wanted this for it was you guys. And I knew. I would never again stick a needle into my belly; I would never again pull into the parking lot of his clinic for the umpteenth time for yet another vaginal ultrasound and needle stick; I would never again obsess over follicle counts and measurements; I would never again race across town in rush hour traffic to make it to my acupuncturist in time two days every week; I would never again watch our hard-earned dollars float away for a "1 in 1,000" chance; I would never again hold my breath waiting for bad news...or good news...

The quickest way I could pick myself back up was to move on. If I couldn't have the baby, by GOD I was going to have the damn job. Enough of this shit! And so that's what I did. Less than three months after that last day in Dr. Ku's office, I pulled out of the Staples parking lot for the last time, never to return.

So don't feel sad for me. I got my happy ending after all! I love my job. I mean really, LOVE it! I haven't felt so hopeful, so excited, for my future in a long, long time. I have my career now. At just a few weeks shy of turning 35, I have a career in HR. And this time I don't have to worry about goin NO where! And as far as our family...well, there are many ways to have a baby...and I'll just leave it at that ;-)  

Despite the expression, we enjoyed a Mommy/Son date one afternoon...

We celebrated with long-time friend Glen and his wife at their baby shower. They're expecting twin girls in Oct.!

My BFF's son Brayden turned 1! Will eagerly waiting for his slice of the cake...

I can't wait to see what mischief these two grow into...

The Birthday Boy

With his Momma

This was taken on my last day at Staples. The expression on my face is my restraint to keep from looking like the Cheshire Cat all day!

First day as HR Administrator at BRG

My office

Will officially graduated from high chair to kitchen table. Turns out the high chair was the root cause of our meal time battles.

My baby

Yoga with Mommy

This was taken during our big night out on the town in Fort Worth. Bill's co. was very generous and treated him and his team and their partners/dates to a chauffeured dinner and dancing event, (and booze - lots and lots of booze), to celebrate a very successful quarter of sales. We had a blast! Bill works with such great people. They really are a family to him and I just love seeing him happy and so in his element. 

Celebrating Uncle David's birthday

Now that I am no longer an hourly worker Bill and I can actually enjoy lunch dates again! Bliss!

Michigan in July

We visited the Thrashes and Uncles Chris and Tim in mid-July and we had a fabulous visit! We rented an adorable, pristine little cottage in Lexington. Will wore himself out every single day playing with cousin Nathan who's exactly the same age, and we loved every minute of catching up and enjoying time with our family and friends. We miss them all and we can't wait for our next visit in December! Will is going to be Aunt Meghan's ring bearer in her wedding!

This is the beauty of the Great Lakes

Will was a little unsure of the lake at first but once Daddy showed him the ropes he was a fish in water!

At Uncle Chris & Tim's

Grandpa Thrash

Aunt Meghan

Aunt Nicole's kiddie pool was a hit! And just look at that blue sky...

These two were peas in a pod. I foresee a lifetime of brotherhood!

Cousin Breonna

Cousins! (Aunt Nicole's kids). From left: Avery (12 mos), Nathan (2.5 years), Will (2.5 years), Breonna (12 years)

Bill's "Brother from another Mother", Mike

Sweet baby Avery

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh

Toes in the sand

Uncle Travis (Nicole's husband)

Hugs for Aunt Meghan

Grandma Thrash

Our tradition Big Boy breakfast send off. From left: Cory (Meghan's fiance), Breonna, Bill and Will, Grandpa, me, Meghan, Nicole

This is the only picture I managed to get of these two. It is IMpossible to get two toddler boys to be still long enough....

Bill's long-time friend, and our favorite family photographer, Wendy

Uncle Chris and Tim

These two have the most precious bond. Every summer visit Bill takes her on a little shopping spree for her birthday. I can't say there are a whole lot of young teenage girls I would actually chose to hang out with, but this one is definitely one of them. I would every day if I could...

Catching Up

It's July 4th?! The year is half over?! Well, we've been up to a lot since my last post so let's see how much I can remember...

First of all, my week-ends have become a lot busier. Will has given up naps - at home, any way. He takes one every day at the babysitter's. I think he's taken one nap in his crib since my last post. He still sleeps in the crib, (he's climbed out a few times); we haven't started potty training; no major changes, (or even minor ones), so I'm just chalking it up to the fact he's (almost) 2 1/2. We've tried everything to keep him on his daily nap schedule on the w/e's, so instead we have "quiet time" now for half an hour to an hour, which entails preoccupying Will with the iPad. It works. Having a toddler going at full speed all day, all w/e is pretty exhausting. By the time Monday morning rolls around I'm ready for the w/e. Wait, that's not how it works, is it? For the first time since Will was born I can say with all honesty I am glad to be a working mom. For one thing, I have no idea how I would keep him entertained and occupied all day every day by myself. He is so much like Bill in that he cannot sit still. Like it's almost physically impossible for him. I also don't know how I could deal with the tantrums and just every day/hour shenanigans of a two year old. Will is a good kid - great kid. But it is rough. So now by the time Monday mornings roll around it's no longer tearful goodbyes...but 'bye Felicia' kind of goodbyes. I know this phase won't last forever, and I know it's sad to wish it away and take it for granted, but some days I just do. When he's on his 856,667th tantrum of the day, I just do. This about sums up everything there is to know about life with a toddler:

Now that that's out of my system, onto the nice things I have to say about my kid ;-P

Will is talking really well! His babysitter always comments how well he's doing with his words and how fast he learns. She thinks he's going to really love school, (I agree!). She said he picks up everything she teaches faster than average, (they have daily lessons). He can count 1 - 10 without any errors and he can say the alphabet with about 60-70% accuracy. He loves singing the Alphabet Song and 'Twinkle, Twinkle.' He's obsessed with all things cars and trucks and trains. He loves animals, (especially kitty kitties) and chocolate, and being outdoors. He's not sure if he likes swimming, (we've recently started taking him to the pool every w/e). He's afraid of the vacuum but other than that he doesn't have too many fears right now. He's extremely loving and empathetic. He's recently learned the concept of saying 'sorry.' We're working on learning about our emotions. I bought four different books that teach kids about their emotions I've been reading to him every night. I've heard it helps so why not. I myself am reading a book recommended to me called, "Raising the Spirited Child." I would classify Will as "spirited" in many ways and it's helping me understand better about why he does the things he does and how to cope and help him grow into a happy, well-adjusted child. Hopefully...

I can't end this post without mentioning the newest addition to our family: Bill's 2015 Ford Mustang GT. If you know anything about Bill, you know about his love of Mustangs. It's been his dream car for a long time. Cue Billy Ocean..."Get outta my dreams..." I will admit it is a FUN car. I think second to our wedding day and Will's birth day, Bill's crowing moment in life was the evening he took me to a fancy restaurant for our anniversary, just a few days after he bought it. He left it with the valet and they didn't drive it away yall. They left it on the Hall of Fame, Look at Me, front valet car line! There is a lot to be said about seeing the person you love so happy.

If his smile were any bigger all of this teeth would fall out!

We went to Grandma and Guppy's house to celebrate Mother's Day. Uncle David, Aunt Raine, and baby Adilynn came too.

Will loves giving kisses!

Happy family

Bill made my Mother's Day very special with homemade tote bag for my lunches, picture for my desk, and book. 

I printed and framed this photo as a Mother's Day gift for Ms Kim, Will's babysitter. I made her husband a Candy Bar Pie for Father's Day. We love them both so much. 

1st trip to the Dallas Aquarium! Will LOVED it! We still look at the booklet we brought home from it with all the animals and fish in it.

Grandpa had a good time too :-)

The Oldenburg Family came for a visit in June and we met Grandma and Gupppy's new boat!

Uncle Chris with Liese

Will wasn't too sure about this boating stuff. We'll break him in.

Cora, 6 yrs

Grandma and Guppy worked so hard to keep the entertained and it certainly worked! They had a ball all day every day.

From Left: Raine with baby Adilynn, David, me, Chris Oldenburg, baby Marin, Carolyn, Chris Prater, Nicki, baby Aria, Mom, Dan, Will, Analiese, Cora

Adilynn, 6 mo's

Marin, 12 mo's

Looking so grown up!

The Oldenburgs came to stay at our house for a long w/e and we took a trip to the Perot Museum. Will's favorite part of the museum was pushing his umbrella stroller around. 

I absolutely love how close our kids are already. I walked upstairs one evening to find them like this. Cousins are your best friends for all your life...

Grandpa on Father's Day with baby Adilynn

And the rest of this grandkids

Right?!

I took Dad to a painting class last w/e as his Father's Day gift. We had so much fun! It was so nice to have a date, just the two of us. I treasure those moments with my dad.

And did I mention what a talented artist he is?! He free-handed his own painting. Mine was an outline I painted over that one of the art teachers put on the canvas for me. I did not inherit that artist gene!

This guy lives just down the street from us. We caught him the other day when he was out to pasture and turns out he's very friendly!