When I was a little girl I dreamed of becoming a veterinarian when I grew up. I loved animals so what better job? Well it turns out you have to be really good in math and science. You also have to be really dedicated for about a decade of your life, maybe more. I was neither of these things. I finally nailed it down to majoring in Psychology, a decision I didn't make until my 3rd year of school, which is why it took me 5 to finish. I chose Psychology b/c I loved it, I understood it, and I was good at it. But I knew I would never go on to get a PhD. I briefly considered Counseling, an LPC, but my mom actually discouraged me from pursuing that b/c of the low pay and job scarcity. So what was I to do with this abstract degree in Psychology? My second semester into the degree track I took an Organizational Development class and Boom! My A-Ha moment! I could work in Human Resources. The idea instantaneously clicked for me. I didn't question it or second guess it. I just knew it was what I would do. Except that it wasn't...
It turns out HR is a tough field to break into if you have 0 experience and 0 connections. Bill and I moved in together 3 weeks after I graduated college. At that time I was working for animal clinic I had been at for the past 5 years and making $10/hour and had no benefits. I needed a new job and fast. After three grueling months of job searching I was offered a job as a receptionist with great pay and benefits at a medium sized company in Dallas. It wasn't exactly what I'd had in mind but I had to start somewhere. That somewhere ended up bringing me 6+ years of more growth and happiness than I dreamed possible. I will forever be grateful to that company, the jobs I held there, the people I worked with and for. But as it happens in Corporate America, nothing lasts forever; all good things come to and end. We were acquired and my job would be obsolete. But alas, what timing! We were in the throes of our infertility battle, had completely self-funded a $20k IVF cycle with a disastrous outcome, and had little hope for trying again, (largely due to the expense). I quickly came to the conclusion I would find a company that offered IVF insurance coverage, no matter what it took.
It turned out it didn't take much. Within just a few weeks I stepped into my new job at Staples, and into the hardest 3 years and 9 months of my working life. First of all, the position was a total step down for me which was a shot to my ego. The pay was only slightly less luckily, but the drive was horrendous at 50 miles each way. I didn't like my boss or really anyone else there. It was an unhealthy, soul-sucking environment, so completely opposite of where I came from. Imagine going from working in Hobbitton to Mordor and that's about what it was like. But it had the best possible outcome and I soon floated back up to Cloud 9 with my pregnancy and Will's birth. Will's first year was such a blur; my working life and career ambitions became all but forgotten. But then suddenly I remembered them. Will became more independent by the day; he was growing and thriving with Kim and Vic every day; we had made it through the worst of the transitions. Suddenly I could, and did, start to think of myself again. I started asking myself, what do I want? What am I doing here? What does my future look like? And the questions that brought me so much pain day in and day out: Why am I so miserable, and what am I going to do about it?
You see, when I was pregnant I was so happy, so blissfully happy. Will was born, as healthy and beautiful as I ever could've prayed for, but I really wasn't happy after he was born. It's shameful for me to admit. How could I be so ungrateful and crazy to not be madly, insanely happy every single day?! Wasn't being a mom what I had cried and prayed over countless days and nights? Wasn't it what I had sacrificed for? Wasn't it everything I'd ever wanted? I guess the truth is, it wasn't. I wanted to be a mom but I also wanted to be something of that person I was before I was a mom; the person that felt valued and respected at work; the person that realized her hard work turn to fruition; the person that made herself proud in what she was able to learn and accomplish, and in how she felt herself grow and progress. That was who I lost when I went to Staples, and I knew I was never going to get her back as long as I stayed there. But there was a catch...
Another confession: the day of our very first ultrasound of Will, I will never forget that euphoria...but I will also never forget my next immediate feeling - disappointment. There was one baby. There were no frozen embryos, no backups. He was it. One baby. Just one...
I will never ever speak more of this convoluted thought that lurked in the darkness, but just know that it was always there; it was always felt. It is still felt. But there was hope. Staples insurance would cover at least one more IVF cycle. There was hope...
I decided to wait until Will turned two before trying again. I just wasn't physically or mentally ready any earlier. Bill was so excited. He wanted a baby girl so badly. This alone was motivation enough for me. But it was not meant to be. The rate of my progression toward menopause really accelerated postpartum. My body had nothing left to give. Not a single follicle was to be made no matter what our RE tried. After being forced to cancel another cycle, and completely exhausting my prescription insurance coverage, Bill and I sat down with him in his office to talk about "our next steps." I'll never forget that conversation. Dr. Ku, the kindest, smartest, most empathetic doctor I will ever know, shook his head sadly and said, if it's anyone I wanted this for it was you guys. And I knew. I would never again stick a needle into my belly; I would never again pull into the parking lot of his clinic for the umpteenth time for yet another vaginal ultrasound and needle stick; I would never again obsess over follicle counts and measurements; I would never again race across town in rush hour traffic to make it to my acupuncturist in time two days every week; I would never again watch our hard-earned dollars float away for a "1 in 1,000" chance; I would never again hold my breath waiting for bad news...or good news...
The quickest way I could pick myself back up was to move on. If I couldn't have the baby, by GOD I was going to have the damn job. Enough of this shit! And so that's what I did. Less than three months after that last day in Dr. Ku's office, I pulled out of the Staples parking lot for the last time, never to return.
So don't feel sad for me. I got my happy ending after all! I love my job. I mean really, LOVE it! I haven't felt so hopeful, so excited, for my future in a long, long time. I have my career now. At just a few weeks shy of turning 35, I have a career in HR. And this time I don't have to worry about goin NO where! And as far as our family...well, there are many ways to have a baby...and I'll just leave it at that ;-)
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1 comment:
I loved reading this. You are A.M.A.Z.I.N.G!!! I'm so proud of you for making your dream a reality. You inspire me to be brave! Love you!
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