Speaking of tiny, baby Bill is going to be a tiny baby. This week he measured at just 5 lbs 4 oz. The average for 37 weeks is about a pound bigger. He's measuring more the size of a 35 week baby. Every time I'd tell people what week of pregnancy I was, the reaction was always the same - you're so small! I always just laughed it off but it did start to bother me a little. I wondered if I was too small. It almost felt like a judgement, like, you're so small, what's wrong with you?! I know they say first pregnancies usually yield smaller than average babies, and I'm a small person myself, and I learned Bill was a tiny baby when he born, so I really didn't worry too much.
That was until Wednesday. We went in for our 37 week sono with biophysical profile. The sonographer commented on baby Bill's small size but she said everything looked good. So when doc came in and expressed some concern about his size I wasn't prepared for an ominous conversation. After he said, he's measuring at 35 weeks, I had to really struggle to listen to the rest of what he said. It was just like in the movies; cue melodramatic strings, fade voice into the background, soften lens focus. This whole pregnancy, up until pretty recently, I waited for the other shoe to drop. I went into every ultrasound with butterflies. I lay awake time after time at 3 am waiting to exhale once I felt baby Bill move again. But this week was different. We're so close to the due date; all the nursery is missing is baby Bill; the To Do lists have been narrowed down to just a few last minute items. We were on a roll. I went in to the sono and our appointment feeling just a little excited. Maybe we'd have some sort of an idea when he might come. Then this. He's too small. Something could be wrong. Outside I was stoic. Inside I was screaming. Not again. Not another issue. Not another mountain. Not another statistic. Not us, not baby Bill.
We went on to learn baby Bill is measuring small and his belly was measuring small. Doc said that could indicate, worse case scenario, he hasn't gotten enough nutrition from the placenta. It could be that my placenta has already started deteriorate, something that obviously shouldn't happen until just before birth. But I had no dilation or any sign of impending labor. So doc put me on bed rest in order to optimize the blood flow to the placenta and ordered we have another scan in 48 hours.
We also learned baby Bill is breech. He is bottom down. I knew this was the case but I'd hoped we'd have more time for him to maneuver himself into the head down position for a vaginal birth. So once doc mentioned a c section next week due to the latest findings, my heart sank even further. I had an ovarian cystectomy in high school that left me with a 3 1/2 inch incision and it was tough. It hurt like hell obviously, but the difference is that this time I will have a newborn to care for, lose sleep over, and breastfeed. I remember how painful it was to even sit up all those weeks after my surgery. I know tons of women have to have c sections, I was just really hoping I wouldn't be one of them. It's also disheartening because I really wanted the experience of a 'real' birth, even just once. That may sound crazy to some, and I can't even really express why I feel that way, except that the only other option is much less appealing to me. Cut me open while I'm awake, sew me up, give me a screaming newborn that I have to learn to breastfeed when I'll barely be able to sit up? I'd rather push. Seriously. But, I know I don't have a choice in the way this goes. Whatever it takes to get baby Bill into the world safely...
Yesterday, two days after we learned of all of this, we went in for a second scan and baby Bill's biophysical profile was once again normal and he gained 3 oz's from two days prior! BIG sigh of relief. The most important thing is that he's still growing. The sonographer disclosed she believes he's just a small baby. I'm not holding out a lot of hope that he'll turn head down, but as long as he is born healthy, missing out on a vaginal birth doesn't mean anything to me. I'd let them take my right arm if it made the difference. So, good news yesterday and we go back Monday for another scan to see how he's doing. I'm still torn about this, but if doc thinks it's a good idea, we might have a scheduled c section for next week. On one hand, we're full term, it's not likely he'll turn into the birthing position at this point, and I've already had to start maternity leave. Oh, and bed rest SUCKS. But on the other hand, if he's still growing, I don't want take from that. I certainly don't want to rush this or have him out before he might be ready. But I trust our doctor's judgement and I trust baby Bill will be born in God's perfect time. It was on God's time that he was finally conceived; I know his birth is no different.
On the day he is born, the moment I hear him, see him, feel him, I know c sections and sonogram scares won't matter. It won't matter that I had to take maternity leave early and spend the last days of pregnancy, bored and with too much time to think, on the couch with aches and pains in every muscle on the left side of my body. All that will matter is baby Bill and our family, from that day, forever more. I'm ready for forever more.
The last picture taken of me at 36 weeks
2 comments:
Beautiful photo! Cannot wait for baby Bill's big reveal! Praying for his health and yours. xoxo
Seriously in tears!! :) So excited for y'all and I can't wait to see and hold him!! Auntie Brandi is ready to see this miracle! :0 Praying for you all!
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