Frogs, snails and puppy dog tails...

We're having a boy! Our gender reveal party was last week. At our second trimester scan we had the sonographer write down the sex and seal it in an envelope. The next day I took it to a bakery and told them to make the inside of the cake pink or blue according to what was in the envelope. They knew right away what I wanted; apparently gender reveal parties have become very trendy. I got the idea from Carolyn months ago. Since the pregnancy wasn't much of a surprise in the traditional sense I agreed it'd be so special to be surprised ourselves along with our friends and family.

Only a handful of friends knew about the surprise; we told everyone else it was just my birthday party, including my parents. We disguised the cake as my birthday cake. The day I brought it home I showed it to Bill and he immediately ran over to it, studied it for a minute, looked at me and said, there are eight pink flowers and only six blue flowers - it's a girl. Let's just say he didn't say it with a smile on his face! Since the first sono Bill has referred to the baby as, "him." I finally asked him why after a couple weeks of this and he said, because I know it's a boy. Duh! The night before our party though he had a dream it was a girl. That may have been because I told him I was starting to think it was a girl. Our sonographer tried to throw us off. She asked us what names we'd picked out and we told her our boy name, then the girl name, and then we had a five minute conversation about girls - about her girls, how cute baby girl clothes are, etc etc. But in hindsight I should have guessed otherwise. She id'd the gender at the very start of the sono. She turned off the monitor so we wouldn't see and it was not more than 10 or 20 seconds later she flipped it back on. I said, you got it already? She said, oh yeah. Uh huh!
 
Jocelyn flew down two days before the party to be a part of it all, (she knew what we were doing), which was really special. It meant a lot to have her there. And we had about 30 people over which worked out fine because now we have a real backyard with a patio. We had a lot of fun decorating it and it turned out really nice. Bill grilled and after everyone ate he brought out the cake and made the announcement about what was inside the cake. Only a handful of our friends knew ahead of time so it was a lot of fun to see all the surprised faces. The rest of Bill's family and Carolyn and Cora were watching via Skype (yay, 2012!), so it was great to have them be a part of it too. It was so important to us to have everyone there that had supported us in some way over the years. I know the party was about us and baby Bill, but in my mind it was just as much about them. And it was so touching to see how excited everyone was. You could have heard a pin drop while I was cutting into the cake; the suspense was palpable! I held it up and saw the blue icing between the layers of cake. And I saw Bill's face - so proud, grinning ear to ear. I'll never forget that face. On our iPad screen I saw the joy on Carolyn's face and the other little face of my niece I love so much. It's just another moment where everything we'd been through to get to that day faded into the background. And then there were all the hugs and congratulations from my friends, the pride on our parent's faces - it was just a magical moment. After the announcement Bill and some of his friends smoked the cigars Bill bought which I thought was pretty cute. He really was like a proud rooster. And my parents both agreed a grandson, their first, was especially exciting, and Jocelyn and Bill's family were thrilled to think of this new namesake - the fifth! The whole thing was like a dream really.

As much as I hate to still admit it, I rode the roller coaster down the days after the party. Anytime I get a lot of attention with this pregnancy I feel nervous and vulnerable. There are times it just feels too good to be true; like somehow I stole someone else's fate. I hate that I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I wish it were different but a part of me can't help but question if I deserve all of this. I know how silly and melodramatic that sounds, but the irony is that I am still asking, why me, God?

On my birthday Bill gave me two cards - one from him and one from our baby Bill. And I reminded myself this isn't just my pregnancy and my baby. He's ours. He's our family's. Most importantly, he's God's. So instead of asking, why me, I realized it's not about me. It's about him. It's about our baby Bill. And I would never question, why baby Bill.

9/22 - 21 Weeks!

Blue!

Bill surprised me with these banners one day when I came home from work. He also made an It's a Girl poster, just in case ;)

The card the sonographer made us. I'm so glad I remembered to ask the bakery to save it for me.

My first Mommy card. You can probably imagine the waterworks over that one :)