A Baby Just Like You

For my baby...Merry Christmas

The season is upon us now
A time for gifts and giving
And as the year draws to its close
I think about my living

The Christmastime when I was young
The magic and the wonder
But colors dull and candles dim
And dark my standing under

Oh little angel, shining light
You've set my soul to dreaming
You've given back my joy in life
You' ve filled me with new meaning

A savior king was born that day
A baby just like you
And as the Magi came with gifts
I've come with my gift too

That peace on earth fills up your time
That brotherhood surrounds you
That you may know the warmth of love
And wrap it all around you

It's just a wish, a dream I'm told
From days when I was young
Merry Christmas little Zachary
Merry Christmas ev'ryone

All is Calm, All is Bright

I've always loved the holidays. I love the food, the time with family and friends. I love the music, decorations and lights. I love Christmas shopping for my family and finding the perfect gifts that will make them smile. But the past three holiday seasons carried with them tinges of sadness for me. Christmas revolves around a baby, after all, and it's a holiday that's made more special only by the presence of children and their joy at Christmas time. I felt like Kevin in 'Home Alone' watching all the other families celebrate with smiles and warmth in their homes while I stood out on the street in the cold. The outsider looking in.

But this holiday will be different. Every night I thank God that it's different, that He's given me the ultimate gift. I thank Him that this year I won't want to avoid the ornaments on the trees in the stores because I can't stand seeing the Baby's First Christmas ornaments, or that my heart won't break when all the Christmas cards come with toothless smiles. I am thankful to think that next holiday season we'll be buying gifts for one more family member. 

We celebrated our pregnancy with a babymoon to Savannah over Thanksgiving. It was wonderful. Savannah is a beautiful city with that quintessential Southern charm. They call it "Slow-vannah" so it was the perfect place to relax, unwind, and leave the To Do list far behind. We ate so much good food, learned some interesting history, visited the ocean, stayed in a B&B for the first time which was really fun, but most of all we just enjoyed being together. These past 7 months have been such a whirlwind, and I know it's not going to slow down anytime soon, so we really took advantage of our time together. I realized while we there that for the first time in almost three years I felt like I didn't have a care in the world. Now that's a vacation :)

Last week we also had our 3D sonogram! It was awesome and I'm so glad we did it. We got some really great images of baby Bill's face. It really gives a good snapshot of what he looks like. Every day now I find myself just getting lost in those images and I catch Bill doing the same. I feel like one of those crazed bird watchers that's been looking for that rare bird for so many years, only to finally capture it on camera one day. Every day I have to look at the pictures to remind myself I really saw it; it really does exist. Bill thinks he looks like me. I think he has my mouth, maybe my nose. The sonographer said she could see he has lots of hair and long eyelashes. He already has some chub in his cheeks! He definitely has Bill's hands and feet though! He has long, straight fingers and toes that are unmistakably Bill's. And the sonographer said he's a big boy - she estimated 3 lbs 11 oz's! The average estimate for 31 weeks is closer to 3 lbs. I know you have to take those weight estimates as guesses for the most part, but it brings me comfort knowing he's bigger and growing so much. 

Without further ado, I introduce to you baby Bill:

7 mo's pregnant

Part III

Crazy to say we're officially in the 3rd trimester now! I have a feeling this last one will be a lot different from the first two. The first tri was hard for me mentally b/c of the anxiety I battled, but I think this one will be toughest physically for me. I feel the growing pains everyday lately and I've had to really restrict my activity or the kinds of activity I can do. Third tri fatigue is also starting to set in. My energy level feels different now than it did 3 months ago. And I know it's only the beginning! I've had to learn to eat smaller, more frequent meals to try and avoid heartburn that makes an appearance more and more often. And the latest development - Braxton Hicks. Oh boy. It's a little scary to think my body is already 'practicing', but what can I say, I'm an over-achiever ;p

Some of my favorite memories from our 2nd tri:

• Realizing I was feeling baby Bill move. It was right at 18 weeks and I was in FL visiting my Aunt Glady. I read what fetal movements felt like and I had been on alert for them for the past 2 weeks, so I made the distinction pretty quickly between him and gas. Since that first day, feeling him move makes me stop everything I am doing and just marvel at this miracle of life and our blessing and say a silent prayer of thanks for the 898457 time. 
• The first time Bill felt baby Bill move. One evening we were on the couch watching tv and he started having a hyperactive episode so I said to Bill, wanna see if you can feel? He gave me his hand, felt the little 'twitch' and pulled it away like he had touched a hot stove. Haha, different experience for men I guess.
• I learned you can actually hear the baby's heartbeat around 25 weeks without a doppler or stethoscope, so when I told Bill he immediately wanted to try. It was before work one morning and after waiting a minute with his ear against my belly he abruptly stood upright, smiled a great big toothy smile, his whole face lit up, and said, I heard it! I walked on clouds the rest of the day.
• Our gender reveal party of course. And once we knew and we could call our baby by name, it made him feel like more than just a fantasy. 
• The new-found love, respect and appreciation I have for my body. Infertility made it hard to have those feelings. But the realization that my body does what it does everyday of this pregnancy is truly awe-inspiring. Bill has always been expressive in the way he feels about me and the way I look since we met, but more and more each day he finds words to say and ways to show me how beautiful he thinks I am. He's my little belly worshiper and I love it :D  Mostly because I know it's not just my belly he admires so much, but what's inside it.
•  The attention to this pregnancy from others, even strangers or those I don't know very well, makes it feel even more special. I love talking about baby Bill, naturally, and I love being able to celebrate this pregnancy without as much of the fear and anxiety that I had during the 1st tri. Of course it never goes away completely, but it's easier to feel reassured when I can actually see and feel him there, along with the rest of the world.

So here we go, onto the final phase. I think about how I felt in those early weeks. The 3rd tri seemed so far away because it seemed intangible still. The thought of our 3rd trimester felt like a far away island, separated by an ocean of uncertainty. 

Three months or less until the biggest day of our lives.

I'm still pinching...

 

Things that go Bump in the night

Happy Halloween!

As you can see, pregnancy has made me not too self-conscious or concerned about looking pretty all the time :)   Bill was shocked when I put on this little get-up. I'm normally so girlie and pre-pregnancy I would have never fathomed dressing up like this. And then going to a party. A party where I didn't know everyone and someone actually asked me if I was pregnant. HA. I told him I just really like beer.

We're now officially in nesting mode at our house. We have a crib, the bedding for the crib, and some other decorations for the nursery (I <3 Ebay!), and Bill completely cleaned and rearranged our office. We have two extra bedrooms, an office and a guest room. The office we use everyday and we both work from home from time to time, so it was not feasible to give up for the nursery. Plus the room gets considerably warmer than the rest of the house. So our guest room will serve as the nursery but we'll leave the double bed in it and half of the furniture. We're adding a crib, changing table and glider for baby Bill. It won't really have a theme but it'll be decorated in baby blue and dark brown. The furniture is cherry colored. I'm having fun decorating, it is one of the things I enjoy best about owning a home, and every time we buy something for the nursery I have to pinch myself and remind myself this is for our baby. It won't be wrapped up and taken to someone else's baby shower for someone else's baby, where I won't be sitting with a plastic smile on my face and glassy eyes. Now I get to take these things home and sometimes, if I let my mind go, I can see baby Bill everywhere; in our home, in our lives, in our hearts. It's incredible how it takes no time from being somewhat self-centered in a human nature kind of way to being baby centered in a this-is-biggest-thing-we've-ever-had-to-look-forward-to kind of way.

Here's a picture of the nursery bedding and the decorations that came with it. It's everything you can see in the picture, minus the furniture, but our crib looks very similar in color and style. And the chandelier. I assure you there will be no chandeliers in our nursery...

In the Game

Our first purchase for the nursery:

I found it in a boutique in Dallas a couple months ago. It made me cry the first time I saw it. I had forgotten about it until I went back to that same boutique yesterday. It made me cry again. So I bought it :)

Each week seems to go by faster and faster. It's hard to imagine that we're down to 3 1/2 months of this pregnancy. Baby Bill and I are still doing great. I passed my glucose tolerance test and we measured my fundal height for the first time and I was right on track. Baby Bill's movements are very distinct now - when he moves I know it! We found out I have an anterior placenta, which is no concern for me or baby Bill, but some women experience feeling less of their babys' movements than women with posterior placentas. I don't have anything to compare to but I feel him pretty often now. He has his down days where he's quieter than normal (yes, it freaks me out), and he has days where he's very active. I was reading in bed a few nights ago with my Bible balanced on my belly and he kicked or moved so strongly it made my Bible jerk! It was crazy. But I love it. I love feeling him. My new favorite past time is to sit on the couch with my hands on my belly and just wait for him. 

I've also grown a lot myself these past few weeks. The maternity clothes that were slightly too big now fit me just right. Yesterday, for the first time, a stranger acknowledged I was pregnant without either of us telling her. It was great. I love talking about baby Bill. 

So before we know it the holidays will be here and once that's over with it'll be close to our time. It's still so hard to believe. I don't know if I'll ever stop saying that. I did book our babymoon trip! We're going to Savannah, GA over Thanksgiving. We're staying at a B&B in the historical district. I am really looking forward to it. Bill and I haven't taken a vacation together since 2010. What can I say, infertility is expensive!

So hopefully my next post will feature a few more additions for the nursery. I am browsing crib bedding sets now. I figured that's a good place to start. It's all quite overwhelming. But in the best way. I was at my desk at work the other day looking at crib sets online, baby Bill tapping away at me, my coworkers talking to me about decorating, and once again I had to fight back the tears. There I was, dreaming up baby Bill's nursery for the first time. I never let myself think about those kinds of things while we were trying and going through all of those treatments. I never let myself fully surrender to the dream. It's like being the kid benched for every game, until finally, one day, coach puts you in. Everyone cheers you on because they've wanted to see you play for so long. You worry about disappointing sometimes or that coach will laugh and say, just kidding! or that this is the one and only game you will ever play. So you make it count. You make every living, breathing second count so that for the rest of your life, you will say, man, I played a great game.

Frogs, snails and puppy dog tails...

We're having a boy! Our gender reveal party was last week. At our second trimester scan we had the sonographer write down the sex and seal it in an envelope. The next day I took it to a bakery and told them to make the inside of the cake pink or blue according to what was in the envelope. They knew right away what I wanted; apparently gender reveal parties have become very trendy. I got the idea from Carolyn months ago. Since the pregnancy wasn't much of a surprise in the traditional sense I agreed it'd be so special to be surprised ourselves along with our friends and family.

Only a handful of friends knew about the surprise; we told everyone else it was just my birthday party, including my parents. We disguised the cake as my birthday cake. The day I brought it home I showed it to Bill and he immediately ran over to it, studied it for a minute, looked at me and said, there are eight pink flowers and only six blue flowers - it's a girl. Let's just say he didn't say it with a smile on his face! Since the first sono Bill has referred to the baby as, "him." I finally asked him why after a couple weeks of this and he said, because I know it's a boy. Duh! The night before our party though he had a dream it was a girl. That may have been because I told him I was starting to think it was a girl. Our sonographer tried to throw us off. She asked us what names we'd picked out and we told her our boy name, then the girl name, and then we had a five minute conversation about girls - about her girls, how cute baby girl clothes are, etc etc. But in hindsight I should have guessed otherwise. She id'd the gender at the very start of the sono. She turned off the monitor so we wouldn't see and it was not more than 10 or 20 seconds later she flipped it back on. I said, you got it already? She said, oh yeah. Uh huh!
 
Jocelyn flew down two days before the party to be a part of it all, (she knew what we were doing), which was really special. It meant a lot to have her there. And we had about 30 people over which worked out fine because now we have a real backyard with a patio. We had a lot of fun decorating it and it turned out really nice. Bill grilled and after everyone ate he brought out the cake and made the announcement about what was inside the cake. Only a handful of our friends knew ahead of time so it was a lot of fun to see all the surprised faces. The rest of Bill's family and Carolyn and Cora were watching via Skype (yay, 2012!), so it was great to have them be a part of it too. It was so important to us to have everyone there that had supported us in some way over the years. I know the party was about us and baby Bill, but in my mind it was just as much about them. And it was so touching to see how excited everyone was. You could have heard a pin drop while I was cutting into the cake; the suspense was palpable! I held it up and saw the blue icing between the layers of cake. And I saw Bill's face - so proud, grinning ear to ear. I'll never forget that face. On our iPad screen I saw the joy on Carolyn's face and the other little face of my niece I love so much. It's just another moment where everything we'd been through to get to that day faded into the background. And then there were all the hugs and congratulations from my friends, the pride on our parent's faces - it was just a magical moment. After the announcement Bill and some of his friends smoked the cigars Bill bought which I thought was pretty cute. He really was like a proud rooster. And my parents both agreed a grandson, their first, was especially exciting, and Jocelyn and Bill's family were thrilled to think of this new namesake - the fifth! The whole thing was like a dream really.

As much as I hate to still admit it, I rode the roller coaster down the days after the party. Anytime I get a lot of attention with this pregnancy I feel nervous and vulnerable. There are times it just feels too good to be true; like somehow I stole someone else's fate. I hate that I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I wish it were different but a part of me can't help but question if I deserve all of this. I know how silly and melodramatic that sounds, but the irony is that I am still asking, why me, God?

On my birthday Bill gave me two cards - one from him and one from our baby Bill. And I reminded myself this isn't just my pregnancy and my baby. He's ours. He's our family's. Most importantly, he's God's. So instead of asking, why me, I realized it's not about me. It's about him. It's about our baby Bill. And I would never question, why baby Bill.

9/22 - 21 Weeks!

Blue!

Bill surprised me with these banners one day when I came home from work. He also made an It's a Girl poster, just in case ;)

The card the sonographer made us. I'm so glad I remembered to ask the bakery to save it for me.

My first Mommy card. You can probably imagine the waterworks over that one :)

Full Circle

Anomaly scan went just fine today! Phew. I prayed last pm that God would send me a sign that everything was going to be okay today. I woke up at 4 am to go to the bathroom and a few minutes after I got back into bed I felt it. I felt the baby! It was just one poke but it was definitely the baby. It was not gas. Another answered prayer. And now I recognize the baby's movements, so subtle yet so incredibly reassuring.

The sono was another amazing experience today. The sonographer measured all the baby's organs, head, femur, abdomen, cord, spent a lot of time looking at its head and face. It was the longest sono we've had since it had to be so thorough. The face was my favorite part. We saw the baby yawn, move its fist into its mouth, stretch one arm over its head. The baby has the most perfect profile. I cried. Never in my life have I cried more tears of joy than I have these past few months.

Every sono it sinks in a little more that we are having a baby, that it's not just a dream anymore. On exactly this week last year I was in the depths of despair. Our first IVF cycle had just come to a disastrous end. I'd cried until I physically could not cry anymore. Sometimes it surprises me at times how raw the pain of our infertility still is. It's days like today though that I am really thankful for it. I'm experiencing a living miracle every day. I had one doctor tell me not once but twice that donor egg was our only option for a viable pregnancy. He said our chances otherwise were less than 10% (where he got that figure, I don't know). Don't think his words didn't haunt me everyday of our last cycle! And here we are. One year later, almost half way through our viable pregnancy.

Ramblings of a Nervous Pregnant Woman

Our anomaly scan is 36 hours away and I am nervous. Let me disclaim that IVF itself does not heighten the risk for fetal deformity or abnormalities. There was a study recently published out of Australia in which the researchers concluded fetal abnormalities were 20% more likely in IVF conceptions vs natural. However, that study's subjects included IVF conceptions with ICSI in which the egg is injected with the sperm to aid in fertilization. Our IVF cycle did not require this added procedure. Also, the determining factor of whether IVF with ICSI vs abnormalities in egg quality, a rampant issue for women who experience infertility, contributes to fetal abnormalties remains questionable and inconclusive. So there's your IVF PSA for the day. So I'll admit my fear is not based on any of the factors that say our baby should be at risk for abnormalities, but that doesn't make me feel much better. I have a friend (who conceived naturally), who found at her anomaly scan during her third pregnancy that her baby had anencephaly. I can't stop thinking of her and the words in her blog from her experince, even though a few years have passed, haunt me. I have imagined the worst. I know none of us are immune to the chance that we could be that one out of 1,000. It has to be someoine, after all. I also especially appreciate the pictures people post to Facebook of severely deformed newborns (all for the noble cause of raising 10 thousand 'likes'). My point is that these fear factors are every where. I find myself praying now for a healthy baby practically every hour. I will say I'm feeling just fine physically. A little more tired lately but my pregnancy journal says this was a growth spurt week for baby (and me) . I've had some indigestion the past couple days from who knows what and I am anxiously waiting to feel the baby's movement now. I've been feeling what's either gas bubbles or the baby pretty consistently since Saturday. I can't tell which it is yet. My friends say my worries just mean I'm becoming a mother. They say these are just the perils of motherhood. I may as well just sit back and hang on for the ride. I just hope this ride is more carausel, less Texas Giant...

You've Gotta Fight for Your Right to Vaaaaacuum

Your carpet is dirty and you don't want it so

You ask your husband, please, but he still says, No!

Now living at home is such a drag

Cuz your husband threw away your best cleaning rag

You gott fight

For your right

To vacuum!

Feminism is for the birds. I wanna vaccum, dammit! About 5.5 months from now I will slap myself for saying this, but I literally had to talk Bill in to letting me vacuum today. As paranoid as I am about everything these days, (mosquitoes, hotdogs, pills of any kind except for my vitamin, cold cuts, driving, etc, etc, etc), the one thing I haven't been afraid of is cleaning and cleaning supplies. Funny enough, that is the one thing Bill is worried about. So much so that for the past couple of Saturdays in a row he hasn't let me clean, except to sweep and mop, neither of which involve chemicals. Bill is the best husband and future father that I could ask for, but it is a little bit of a challenge for me to not reach for that can of Pledge. It's in my blood, what can I say. I don't know if I convey my gratitude enough to Bill really, so if you see him give him a pat on the back. And tell him it's ok for me to vacuum.

Switching gears now, I want to document my most memorable, favorite moments of our first trimester, since it's officially history:

• Finding out we were pregnant.
• Seeing my dad tear up when we told him (minutes after finding out).
• The fizzy Pop drink Carolyn gave me to toast with that same evening. Sharing that day with her was like icing on the cake (my favorite part of any cake).
• The look on my mom's face when we told her (first the jaw drop, then the huge smile, then the tearing).
• The look on Bill's face when he made the phone call to his mom. I wish it could have been in person but I know it was just as special for him to tell his parents as it was for me to tell mine. Our families have been our biggest cheerleaders, supporters and picker uppers. Besides us, no one was more vested in this than they were. Because of them I don't have any worries about how Bill and I will do as parents. We've learned from the best.
• Telling our friends the news. Some of our closest friends were with us all along our journey and our struggle with infertility. Without them we could've been completely consumed with depression but they kept us going, kept us laughing, and were constant reminders that there was life outside our little bubble of sadness.
• I was so nervous waiting for our first sonogram. Bill made up a little song, "There's a baby in there", that he sang to me everyday to make me feel better. A little positive affirmation that there really was a baby in there. 
• Our first sonogram and seeing the baby and the heartbeat for the first time. That was my first glimpse of what being a mom felt like. Nothing else, nothing, in the world mattered more to me more than that teeny, tiny being the size of a Lima bean. I knew from that moment on that I would never do, say or feel anything again without thinking of that Lima bean at the same time.
• Walking out of our fertility doc's clinic for the last time (or at least for a long time). It felt like the last day of school senior year. Scary but also incredibly exhilarating and freeing. 
• Our second sonogram. Seeing the baby's profile, spine, arms, legs and feet. And best of all, seeing and hearing the heart beat this time. It sounds like a freight train it beats so fast. It's amazing. It's beautiful. How anyone can experience pregnancy and not be convinced in the power of God, I do not know.
• The box of maternity clothes and pregnancy affirmations cd Carolyn sent. From the time we were kids we day dreamed about weddings and having kids, as sisters do. I remember dreams about our adult families spending Christmases together and cousins being the best of friends. To share this experience with Carolyn is awesome. Since I can remember, I always wanted to be just like her (who wouldn't?!). I was so nervous but wearing the clothes she sent me, the same ones she wore when she was pregnant, made me feel better, like a kid carrying around their blanket or precious stuffed animal. Just that subtle reminder of you're okay; you're not alone.
• Telling the rest of our family and friends, and everyone in our world our news. Right after we posted our Facebook announcements I just sat and cried for a minute. I was overcome by the emotion of remembering every other Facebook pregnancy announcement that broke my heart, asking if it would ever be us; praying it would someday be us. I am humbled everyday.

So, so far the second tri is off to a good start. I feel less nervous and anxious now. I'm letting myself enjoy being pregnant (the proof is in my pantry!). I've even told complete strangers that I am pregnant, (the salesperson at the mall that tried to tell me I would look "great" in a size 2, skin tight mini dress. Ha!). And I love how excited Bill is too. He tells strangers that we're pregnant too (solicitors, random neighbors). You would think he's all proud about it or something ;)   I now have more energy than I did. I can stay awake past 9 pm! I am having some mild heartburn a couple nights a week, and I've been getting headaches some, but nothing that I can't tolerate. I have no complaints, really. 

Although that size 2 mini dress was pretty cute....

Welcome to my new blog! I'm creating this as a way for family and friends, especially those long-distance, to keep informed of our goings-on. This blog will be dedicated to all things family-related (mostly baby).