Month One

Today Will is one month old! These past 4 weeks are sort of a blur but here's what life has been like:

Week 1

Mom came and stayed with us the whole first week we had Will home. She only lives 10 minutes away but it was comforting to know she was right there with us, just in case. The just in case is every new parent's biggest fear. Mom also taught us the tricks to changing diapers, bottle feeding and burping. It really is true that your mother knows everything!

I am exclusively breastfeeding which warrants it's own blog entry. It's actually going just fine; better than I'd expected. I had a great LC in the hospital who got me started off on the right track and we haven't had any major issues. The hardest part for me is just the fact that I cannot go much more than 3 hours without nursing or pumping. I get more and more used to it each week as it becomes routine, but it's hard because I really am confined and restricted in every sense. If I want to go out without Will, which I haven't done yet, I have to consider the three hour rule. Yes, I can pump for a bottle for Bill to give him before I go, but three hours later I better be home or else I am really uncomfortable. I'm sure you get the picture. Maybe I shouldn't admit this, but I just don't enjoy breastfeeding much. It was important to me to do it, for all the health benefits it gives Will, but I've heard so many moms talk about how much they love it because it's their bonding time with the baby, but I don't get it. I have an oversupply and an overactive letdown so it makes nursing stressful for him and consequently for me sometimes. But I would much rather have that as my issue than the opposite. I am definitely committed to it for the first 6 months.

Will eats every two hours on average, 10-11 times a day. The first week he would nurse for 45 minutes to an hour (now it's down to 15-20 minutes). That left me with an hour in between feedings. Thank God for my iPod to save my sanity, and for Bill. Bill and I started a nighttime feeding system. At around 2 am every morning we have a shift change. Bill takes over the feedings until around 7 am. Will's days and nights are reversed so nighttimes are looong. He has never slept more than 2 hour increments during the night to this day (it's more like an hour/hour and a half). I still have to get up and pump during that time, but it takes me 15 minutes to pump, whereas it's an hour with nursing by the time I've fed, burped, diaper changed and soothed Will back to sleep. So during the night I have been able to sleep 3 hour stretches. I really and truly do not know how moms do it without someone to give bottles like that. I would have lost my mind.

Week 2

I cried the morning Mom left. Make that, I cried every day for the first two weeks. The hormone shift is insane, coupled with the exhaustion. Besides, everyone needs their mother when they feel most vulnerable and insecure. But at some point the baby bird has to fly and I was surprised, and feeling more confident, after the first few days on our own went by without incident. Each day I felt more and more secure in taking care of Will, and I also started to focus on trying to bond with him as much as I could by laying with him on my chest and snuggling him, and talking to him more, singing to him. This is when it starts to hit me that I am a mom and I cry tears of happiness, seriously. I can't get through any of the lullabies I want to rock him to sleep with, so I just rock him and let the tears come and tell him I love him.

Will has his check up and he's gained 14 oz's since his birth day! That makes all those round the clock feedings feel like a major triumph. I am proud of us.

Week 3

Bill goes back to work. He works from home so I am not home alone with Will which is nice. Bill even takes Will when he has some down time so I can sneak in a nap. Bill is a wonderful dad to him, and he's a wonderful husband to me. He's always worried about me and how I am doing. He even takes over for an entire night on night when I am too tired to function so that all I have to do is get up and pump. He does things like this without my asking. He does it without complaining. He's already a hands-on dad and I love him more and more everyday for that.

Will is starting to change noticeably. He is more alert. He watches our faces now and starts to coo at us when we talk to him. He's aware that he is in a new place when we take him out of the house. He is also getting fussier more frequently. I am told he is an 'easy baby', but he is not so easy in those wee hours when he's inconsolable and can't or won't sleep. We attribute these bad nights to our nemesis, gas. Gas turns our sweet, cuddly baby into Mr. Hyde. We've started giving him gas drops after every feeding which seems to help. I know his behavior is totally normal (I've consulted a lot of moms!), but it's terribly frustrating. Nothing tears you down faster than having a screaming infant you just can't console. Dr. Karp says fussiness starts at 2-3 weeks and peaks at 6 weeks, then improves each week from there. I try not to take a second of my time with Will for granted, but those painful seconds will hopefully be less and less in a couple weeks. We also really look forward to the day when his days and nights are no longer reversed. Between the hours of 2 am and 6 am are his bewitching hours. He sleeps like a champ during the day though.

But we're also having more and more fun and interaction with him each day as he becomes more and more aware of us and his surroundings. We take him on walks; we play with him; we took him to visit our best friends a couple days ago (getting out of the house for a couple of hours was seriously like a mini vacation). Everyday we fall more and more in love with him.

So these are the crazy, exhausted, happy, wonderful, frustrating days of being a new parent to a newborn. It's nothing like I expected yet it's so much more. For all the tough days nothing will ever, ever erase the warmth that is in my home, in my family, and in my heart for this little tiny baby I can call myself a mother to.

Grandma and Grandpa Thrash came to visit

The Third, Forth and Fifth

The first tummy time session

Is that a double chin I see?!

More tummy time

Nalani thinks Will is her baby. He loves to give him kisses.

First bath! He wasn't too sure about it. He fussed but he didn't really cry, and he calmed down right afterwards.

Birth Story

There are some moments, some days, you want to remember every detail of for forever. The birth of my son is one of those days.

Thursday, Jan. 24, 2013
10 pm

I say my last prayer for baby Will (that's what we're calling him), before he comes into the world. I fully expected to be too nervous and anxious to sleep with the c section scheduled in the morning, but strangely I fall asleep right away. The last memory I have of that night before his birth is lying in bed with my hands on belly, thinking to myself, after tomorrow I will never be the same.

Friday, Jan. 25, 2013
5:30 am

Bill and I are both awake before the alarm goes off. We have to be at the hospital by 6:30 am. We get up and go about our routine like it's any ordinary morning. Then we're standing at the foot of our bed, our suitcase in front of us. For some reason I start thinking of all the places that suitcase has been: Michigan, Florida, Illinois, Georgia, Hawaii, Washington, Alaska. Medical City will be the biggest adventure of them all, I think to myself.

6:00 am

We are on the highway headed to the hospital. My stomach growls but I don't feel hungry. I don't even feel nervous. I am downright scared. Holy $hit, this is happening.

6:30 am

We arrive at the hospital and because the c section was scheduled they're waiting for us. They escort us into the triage room right away. The nurse gives me a gown to change into and leaves us alone one final time. I feel myself start to shake. It's ok, Bill tells me. I'm not sure I believe him. I am scared.

7:00 am

The nurse hooks me up to the monitors, starts my iv, and I listen to Will inside my belly for the last time. I think to myself how I will miss him there. It seems like such a strange thought to have when he's about to be in my arms, the real deal, but that is so scary to me. It occurs to me I have never held a newborn. Not once.

7:30 am

The anesthesiologist arrives for the epidural. I am alone in the room. Bill had to go back out to the car because we left our cord blood collection kit there, which is kinda important. I am alone for my epidural. I start to really shake. The nurse, a really sweet girl about my sister's age, sees my distress. She has me sit cross-legged facing her. She places her hands on my shoulders and tells me to lean into her, take a deep breath and let it out. I feel the sting from the local anesthetic, the pop of the catheter in my spine, and it's done. Good job, the anesthesiologist says to me, while the kind nurse squeezes my shoulders in reassurance. I start to think that just maybe it is going to be ok after all.

7:45 am

My OB arrives for surgery and the nurse and anesthesiologist tell me it's time to go to the OR. I start to panic. I can still feel my legs! The epidural hasn't taken effect yet, I'm not ready! Bill and my mom just left the room. I wanted her in the OR with us but they said only one other person was allowed. They'll allow Bill in the OR once they've finished preping me. The OR is bigger than I'd imagined. I see the baby station where they'll evaluate Will as soon as he's out. They transfer me onto the operating table and all I can think is, I wish I could pass out! I'm really scared about being cut open while awake, and I can still feel my legs. The anesthesiologist starts poking my legs and hips with an electric buzzer thing. He does this a couple times over the next several minutes until finally I can tell him that I don't feel it.

8:00 am

My OB is in the room, they raise the drape, and finally there's Bill. He sits on a stool to the left of my head. His nose and mouth are covered with the surgical mask but I can see his eyes are smiling. He looks so calm. I think to myself, how in the world is he so calm? He takes my left hand and I hang on to him for dear life. Our life together briefly starts to play in my head, like a movie on fast forward. I see 16 year old Bill; Bill on the beach; walking up to my grandma's cottage; walking out of the airport terminal at DFW; waiting for me at the exit in the Flint airport; Bill on our wedding day. I look up at the bright overhead spotlights and I can see my entire torso reflected in them. Dear God! I tell myself to focus on Bill's eyes and to not look away. There's music playing in the room, "Philadelphia Freedom" by Elton John. I like the song. I sing along with it in my head as my doc says, ready for the incision...

8:13 am

I see this red, angry looking thing lifted up over the drape. Doc is holding him with both hands, Will on his back with his arms and legs flailed out to the sides. Bill laughs It's only a split second and he disappears behind the screen again. I hear the nurse ask Bill if he wants to come over and see him and he goes without hesitation. I hear the clicks of his camera. I hear Will's cry and think to myself that it's not very loud, and I hope that's not a bad thing. Then Bill is back at my side and tells me he's okay as I feel my body rock side to side from the sewing of my incision.

8:45 am

I'm ready to leave the OR for the recovery room when they hand Will to me. I hold him for the first time and immediately take in every feature of his face - his blue eyes, long eyelashes, black hair, chubby cheeks, full, red lips, receded chin, flat ears and tiny nose. I marvel at how beautiful he is. He is more beautiful than I'd imagined. He is perfect. He is perfectly mine? It's so much like a dream. This is the closest thing to an out-of-body experience I've ever had. Even so I feel myself smiling down at him as I tell him hello for the first time.

Later that morning...

After about an hour and half in the recovery room with me they take Will away to the nursery. I start to dose until they tell me it's time to move to my postpartum room. They wheel me past the nursery so I can see Will again. My mom, Dan and Bill are there. Bill has been in and out while I was in recovery, busy making phone calls to friends and family. They are all smiling and tell me that they saw him have his first bath. Mom says she's amazed how little he's cried. The nurses tell me how beautiful he is and I feel my first burst of motherly pride.

Monday, Jan. 28, 2013
12:00 pm

We've been discharged from the hospital. I'm in the wheelchair holding Will. Bill has gone ahead for the car. We're headed home as a family for the first time. Are we ready? Can we do this? What will it be like? Will he like me? Will I be a good mother? As I sit in the backseat of the car next to Will's carseat and look out the window, everything I see looks different. It's so strange, this highway I've driven a thousand times looks brand new to me. I look down at Will, sound asleep, and I know. I will never be the same.