Frogs, snails and puppy dog tails...

We're having a boy! Our gender reveal party was last week. At our second trimester scan we had the sonographer write down the sex and seal it in an envelope. The next day I took it to a bakery and told them to make the inside of the cake pink or blue according to what was in the envelope. They knew right away what I wanted; apparently gender reveal parties have become very trendy. I got the idea from Carolyn months ago. Since the pregnancy wasn't much of a surprise in the traditional sense I agreed it'd be so special to be surprised ourselves along with our friends and family.

Only a handful of friends knew about the surprise; we told everyone else it was just my birthday party, including my parents. We disguised the cake as my birthday cake. The day I brought it home I showed it to Bill and he immediately ran over to it, studied it for a minute, looked at me and said, there are eight pink flowers and only six blue flowers - it's a girl. Let's just say he didn't say it with a smile on his face! Since the first sono Bill has referred to the baby as, "him." I finally asked him why after a couple weeks of this and he said, because I know it's a boy. Duh! The night before our party though he had a dream it was a girl. That may have been because I told him I was starting to think it was a girl. Our sonographer tried to throw us off. She asked us what names we'd picked out and we told her our boy name, then the girl name, and then we had a five minute conversation about girls - about her girls, how cute baby girl clothes are, etc etc. But in hindsight I should have guessed otherwise. She id'd the gender at the very start of the sono. She turned off the monitor so we wouldn't see and it was not more than 10 or 20 seconds later she flipped it back on. I said, you got it already? She said, oh yeah. Uh huh!
 
Jocelyn flew down two days before the party to be a part of it all, (she knew what we were doing), which was really special. It meant a lot to have her there. And we had about 30 people over which worked out fine because now we have a real backyard with a patio. We had a lot of fun decorating it and it turned out really nice. Bill grilled and after everyone ate he brought out the cake and made the announcement about what was inside the cake. Only a handful of our friends knew ahead of time so it was a lot of fun to see all the surprised faces. The rest of Bill's family and Carolyn and Cora were watching via Skype (yay, 2012!), so it was great to have them be a part of it too. It was so important to us to have everyone there that had supported us in some way over the years. I know the party was about us and baby Bill, but in my mind it was just as much about them. And it was so touching to see how excited everyone was. You could have heard a pin drop while I was cutting into the cake; the suspense was palpable! I held it up and saw the blue icing between the layers of cake. And I saw Bill's face - so proud, grinning ear to ear. I'll never forget that face. On our iPad screen I saw the joy on Carolyn's face and the other little face of my niece I love so much. It's just another moment where everything we'd been through to get to that day faded into the background. And then there were all the hugs and congratulations from my friends, the pride on our parent's faces - it was just a magical moment. After the announcement Bill and some of his friends smoked the cigars Bill bought which I thought was pretty cute. He really was like a proud rooster. And my parents both agreed a grandson, their first, was especially exciting, and Jocelyn and Bill's family were thrilled to think of this new namesake - the fifth! The whole thing was like a dream really.

As much as I hate to still admit it, I rode the roller coaster down the days after the party. Anytime I get a lot of attention with this pregnancy I feel nervous and vulnerable. There are times it just feels too good to be true; like somehow I stole someone else's fate. I hate that I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I wish it were different but a part of me can't help but question if I deserve all of this. I know how silly and melodramatic that sounds, but the irony is that I am still asking, why me, God?

On my birthday Bill gave me two cards - one from him and one from our baby Bill. And I reminded myself this isn't just my pregnancy and my baby. He's ours. He's our family's. Most importantly, he's God's. So instead of asking, why me, I realized it's not about me. It's about him. It's about our baby Bill. And I would never question, why baby Bill.

9/22 - 21 Weeks!

Blue!

Bill surprised me with these banners one day when I came home from work. He also made an It's a Girl poster, just in case ;)

The card the sonographer made us. I'm so glad I remembered to ask the bakery to save it for me.

My first Mommy card. You can probably imagine the waterworks over that one :)

Full Circle

Anomaly scan went just fine today! Phew. I prayed last pm that God would send me a sign that everything was going to be okay today. I woke up at 4 am to go to the bathroom and a few minutes after I got back into bed I felt it. I felt the baby! It was just one poke but it was definitely the baby. It was not gas. Another answered prayer. And now I recognize the baby's movements, so subtle yet so incredibly reassuring.

The sono was another amazing experience today. The sonographer measured all the baby's organs, head, femur, abdomen, cord, spent a lot of time looking at its head and face. It was the longest sono we've had since it had to be so thorough. The face was my favorite part. We saw the baby yawn, move its fist into its mouth, stretch one arm over its head. The baby has the most perfect profile. I cried. Never in my life have I cried more tears of joy than I have these past few months.

Every sono it sinks in a little more that we are having a baby, that it's not just a dream anymore. On exactly this week last year I was in the depths of despair. Our first IVF cycle had just come to a disastrous end. I'd cried until I physically could not cry anymore. Sometimes it surprises me at times how raw the pain of our infertility still is. It's days like today though that I am really thankful for it. I'm experiencing a living miracle every day. I had one doctor tell me not once but twice that donor egg was our only option for a viable pregnancy. He said our chances otherwise were less than 10% (where he got that figure, I don't know). Don't think his words didn't haunt me everyday of our last cycle! And here we are. One year later, almost half way through our viable pregnancy.

Ramblings of a Nervous Pregnant Woman

Our anomaly scan is 36 hours away and I am nervous. Let me disclaim that IVF itself does not heighten the risk for fetal deformity or abnormalities. There was a study recently published out of Australia in which the researchers concluded fetal abnormalities were 20% more likely in IVF conceptions vs natural. However, that study's subjects included IVF conceptions with ICSI in which the egg is injected with the sperm to aid in fertilization. Our IVF cycle did not require this added procedure. Also, the determining factor of whether IVF with ICSI vs abnormalities in egg quality, a rampant issue for women who experience infertility, contributes to fetal abnormalties remains questionable and inconclusive. So there's your IVF PSA for the day. So I'll admit my fear is not based on any of the factors that say our baby should be at risk for abnormalities, but that doesn't make me feel much better. I have a friend (who conceived naturally), who found at her anomaly scan during her third pregnancy that her baby had anencephaly. I can't stop thinking of her and the words in her blog from her experince, even though a few years have passed, haunt me. I have imagined the worst. I know none of us are immune to the chance that we could be that one out of 1,000. It has to be someoine, after all. I also especially appreciate the pictures people post to Facebook of severely deformed newborns (all for the noble cause of raising 10 thousand 'likes'). My point is that these fear factors are every where. I find myself praying now for a healthy baby practically every hour. I will say I'm feeling just fine physically. A little more tired lately but my pregnancy journal says this was a growth spurt week for baby (and me) . I've had some indigestion the past couple days from who knows what and I am anxiously waiting to feel the baby's movement now. I've been feeling what's either gas bubbles or the baby pretty consistently since Saturday. I can't tell which it is yet. My friends say my worries just mean I'm becoming a mother. They say these are just the perils of motherhood. I may as well just sit back and hang on for the ride. I just hope this ride is more carausel, less Texas Giant...