Still Fighting It

Do you know what the worst part about growing up is? I think I do. I think it's watching the people you love, your family, your parents, grow old. And for me lately it's the stark realization that I will come to know life without them. It's unimaginable, yes. But it's inevitable. Someone very close to me and my sister, (not one of our parents) is dying. For the first time in my life I am witness to watching someone who's been in our lives 17 years, that's half my life, slip away before my very eyes. What's keeping me up right now when I should be falling asleep for the night is knowing this won't be the last time. Bill and I together will have to experience this five more times between our parents and their partners. Five more times. Fuck.

I suppose I should segway this post into something positive, like live life to the fullest; hold your love ones tighter, blah blah blah. But I don't want to. I want to say I think watching people die sucks. I want to say that I wish no one had to do that. I want to say that I don't want someone to watch me die. I want to say that no matter how grown up I think I am - how grown up I look or act - I am a child inside that will always want my mommy and daddy. Aren't we all?

I had these thoughts while I listened to Ben Folds alone today in my car.

I couldn't out drive them so I listened to the song on repeat. And sang along. And cried. And gave up on growing up.

"Everybody knows
It sucks to grow up
And everybody does
It's so weird to be back here
Let me tell you what
The years go on and
We're still fighting it, we're still fighting it
You'll try and try
And one day
You'll fly
Away from me"